:I always thought you were beautiful.

"well, thanks... but i'm sure there's a 'however"

:yes, yes there is. I can't stand you.

"knew it."

:sorry. you are a jellyfish. you are spineless. It annoys me.

"your bluntness is so damn refreshing. I'm aware i appear to be spineless, but i've dealt with you for how many years? so maybe i'm not as spineless as i look."


.....


:you're recording this aren't you?

"Of course. ...Looks like for once someone is lacking wit."

oddest holiday ever.

it's just me and the 3 of you,
all staring at each other:
thinking about the people that are missing.

high. high. high, how ya doin?

I'm so far.
How did i place more distance?
there is a void, a large crack, that is peeling.
its peeling at the joints. the bones are cracking.
its given under, fallen apart, devilish game.
they transcend under a holy light, breaking apart my morning light

it was treason
attempt at cutting the soul.
so many odd play things so many ways to come across two and two.

i am a pure love-thing.
red thing,
blue thing
play thing
love thing.
pure. purest. purer. so pure. just white light.
light just beyond the embryo. hoping for new birth.
clean slate. a start all over.
come on: like, like, like, like...love?

"Maybe you are being taken advantage of, maybe the activity you are engagaed in is tedious, maybe someone close to you is dishonest, irritating, or unconscious, but all this is irrelevant. Either stop doing what you are doing, speak to the person concerned and express fully what you feel, or drop the negativity that your mind has created around the situation and that serves no purpose whatsoever except to strengthen a false sense of self." - power of now

stepping on glass

This year has been like a mountain.
My dreams are getting worse, if I don't sleep, I avoid them.

Fair Weather Friends reminds me of you.
I'm beginning to miss everything about you lately.
Maybe you can teach me to push clutch like you always promised?

"So I have to ask you a question, because in class when you said you rip your skin off, I have to know, when you rip it off, do you start from your cunt or your eyeballs?"

10 hours to Yuma.
Averaging 80 degrees.

Ready?
Yep.

Why?
It's just somewhere else to explore.

symbols from my re-accuring dream

Couldn"t find anything about what it meant to rip off your skin. but i did find these.



Abandonment

To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream indicates you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. It may stem from a recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream as part of the healing process and dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked. Perhaps the dream is a metaphor that you need to approach life with "reckless abandon" and live more freely.



Blood

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed. If something else is written in blood, then it represents the energy you have put into a project. You have invested so much effort into something that you are not willing to give it up.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding, shortly before or during their periods or while they are pregnant.

To dream that others are bleeding, signifies an emotional cry for help.

To dream that you are drinking blood, indicates that you have a fresh burst of vitality and power.

To dream that you are giving or donating blood, suggests that you are feeling physically drained due to stress.



Forest

To dream that you are in or walking through the forest, signifies a transitional phase. Follow your instincts. Alternatively, it indicates that you want to escape to a simpler way of life. You are feeling weighed down by the demands of your life.

To dream that you are lost in a forest, indicates that you are searching through your unconscious for a better understanding of yourself.

To dream of a forest fire, indicates that transformation and regeneration is only possible through some hardships. Alternatively, it suggests that your anger is out of control; it is affecting those around you.

:I'm stressed about finals



"Just slay it. Slay it and then you can be a badass."

Oh philosophy...

Freud suggests that "Religious beliefs and practices are the consequence of emotional needs for authority and protection"

Feuerbach claims that religion is an "objectification of the most primitive needs of man."


Campbell argues that the mythological game of "as if" sets aside the laws of time and opens up new levels of reality to the participant.

"Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see is where else you could be When you're at home
And out on the street Are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear <----------
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free


Cause all you see is where else you could be, When you're at home
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone
And all you see is where else you could be,
when you're at home,
There on the street,
are so many possibilities to not be alone" -Death Cab

everyone is freaking out about finals

except me.

something is wrong with me.

Man. I need to learn to let my emotions out.

I keep telling myself everything is all good then boom! All the emotions burst into a very unattractive burst of crying and shaking and general ugliness.

Then I'm on the phone with 20 different people crying my eyes out,
What was most amazing? They all told me they'd be here tomorrow to help me,
Woah. I have amazing friends, something to be thankful for.

Well, that started out negative and ended on a positive note. I am thankful for what i got, and i miss what i don't have anymore, but i can't dwell in that past.

Silly Life you thought you knocked me off my horse, didn't you?

too much crap going on.

FINALS FINALS FINALS

Yuma in a couple weeks, i hope. this being homeless thing might mess that up

Redding to see my other mother

Death Valley with Vano for school

and backpack in Europe in the summer.

and school. and work. i might be going through some chaos, but my life could be so much worse, i'm so happy i have what i got.

i need to make a list before i forget....
well i guess i just did make a list.

some stuff isn't that simple.

"what happened in those three years"

:open relationships

"what's shameful about just going back to that?"

:nothing

"well, then I suppose we answered that question"

how my teacher talks to me

V: you've been to death valley before right?

P: yea, earlier this year

V: you camp or stay in lodging?

P:camp

V: you musta camped at the campgrounds right over...

P:no, we just camped on the ground somewhere off the road

V: WOAH bro-core pam, thats fuckin' NASTY dirty.

I have gotten rusty

singing and reading sheet music and moving my fingers
is 3 times too many things at once.
i'm gonna be better than i ever was, just gotta keep at it.

It is said that the ancient Egyptians, upon death, were asked two questions before entering heaven:

Did you have joy while you were on earth?

Did you bring joy to others?





What would your answers be?

Bags are all packed, and still no place to go.
Roadtrip is planned for middle of the month, right before Christmas.

Life don't let me down

Q:"who do you write all this for?"

A:"nobody....myself"

This was a list i made in 2009...Its definitely something i need to re-visit, I'll keep these in mind.



1st. Be open and honest, you've got nothing to hide.

2nd. Don't count your eggs before they've hatched.

3rd. Expect less and you won't be disappointed.

4th. Don't let the little things get to you.

5th. Act like a child when you need too.

It's getting cold, so cold.
I want something to warm me up.

http://thelightfighter.tumblr.com/


he says it's going to get Vulgar.
I can't wait to read what he does on the greyhound...
more importantly at the stops when he's off the bus.

:)

voices feel like daggers.

"That's one thing i've always disliked about you, you're too fucking emotional. You feel everything. more sensitive then me, and that's saying alot. Fuck. haven't i taught you anything? we've gone over and over and over this."

:i did change.

"no, you're still just as weak as the day i met you. I'm not friends with weak people, i won't put up with that. you know that. i will only waste my time with the elite. you have to be fucking elite."

:Im strong, just in a different way. I keep all this inside, i deal with it all alone.

"no you don't, you vomit all over me with it.

:so. ...no one knows me.

"fuck. let some other people in once in awhile, they might find it warm like i do."

:point taken.

10/18/2010

Fuck, I'm tired of this bullshit.

You caused all of this shit in my head,
and now i want you to fix it.
You fiend, you dirty swine, shit on the bottom of my shoe.

Impatient. Brutal. Coarse. Thug. Morose. Vulture.
SWINE.SWINE.SWINE

If i called you and said this to your face, you'd laugh.
Then you'd ask how my day was.
We'd brew some tea, and eat fucking crumpets.

I still can't change this behavior.
I've become a product of my own self-loathing.
And then perfected it through your insane arguments.
and now when i want to be someone else, i can't
I want to kill this feeling and make it die.

will you help me?

So my fine art project is something i am really really feeling right now.

I feel like its my baby.
its all about my dream to find new skin...
you can look back on "Acquiring a new jacket" pt 1 and 2
so the end of the dream was majorly affected by recent events in my life;
leaving me disappointed that it didn't have an ending i was expecting my
mind to come up with. but I've always been really bad with finishing things,
or "ends" of things, so it seems appropriate and completely me.

Also, i want to keep completely true to my dream.

I had the "end" of my dream last night.

it went something like this:

Pt 3

She was a lonely figure,
walking in a mass of trees,
the black ground below her.
She was intent on searching and looking,
but she was also sad.

She was alone, completely alone.
The wind was cold,
and her muscles began to operate less smoothly.
she was stuck.

she stood looking around,
when from the sky she heard a great noise.
Upon looking up, she saw her skin hanging from a branch,
just out of reach.

She kept reaching, but she couldn't grab it,
A forbidden fruit she'd have to work to get.

She climbed the trunk,
reached out on the limb
and knocked her skin off and to the ground.

On the forest floor, she grabbed the skin.
upon looking at it, it was beautiful,
warm and she couldn't wait to get inside it.

She began to slip her legs inside the skin coat.
It began to feel tight, and in one area it ripped.
Frantic, she began trying to shove herself inside it
trying to make it fit her.

It wouldn't go on.
It didn't fit.

It looked so beautiful,
the colors and tones were right,
but she couldn't fit, even the warmth escaped her.

A lump on the floor of the forest,
tears streamed from her eyes,
she was not right for this skin.
she did not fit it.
she was cold, she wanted to be warm.
she wanted to return to her old self,
she wanted to find her skin.
she wanted to be strong.
but this time she just cried, and cried hard.

Her new skin wasn't ready for her,
she couldn't have that new skin until she changed.

maybe she didn't need skin at all?
She laid on the forest floor.
a familiar friend came by her side,
he motioned for her to look at his skin.
She had remembered, she had fixed his skin long ago, in another dream

He grabbed dark earth from the ground around her and began to dig deep around her and cover her, until the dirt covered her completely.
She became a part of the earth, she found her new place in the earth.
It wasn't very comfortable.
It was awkward; but she was stuck.
stuck to this new place.

You're a piece of shit.
no respect. none at all.

stop this madness

I dreamed that my new skin was given to me
and it didn't fit.

man. What a horrible feeling.
:(

I had fallen asleep on your floor after working the 12-9 shift

You were sitting with a guitar pressed between your chest and legs,
Just strumming lightly, playing no particular tune.
There was someone in the room too, a friend.
I had awoken a few minutes earlier, but pretended to still be asleep.
The friend mentioned something about my sleeping,
and you said, "She works so hard, she has so much she's doing"

I remember that for some reason, because I'm not sure if you knew I was awake,
or if you were speaking genuinely, but I like to believe you were speaking genuinely.
I remember the oddest things, It was so long ago. 6 years now?

It felt like it was my first and only time that I was able to listen to a conversation about me when I wasn't around.
The social interaction of speaking about me when you thought I was asleep.
Maybe I needed to hear that I worked hard.

There are very few memories of those years,
mostly because I've been swallowed whole by my absent-mind.
but i'm glad that there a few fond ones left.

I feel like all the bluntness was karma.

This is the first time that I feel content,
like i wasn't treated badly, and I even told you, you were awesome,
so what is there to be upset about?

Love is something i'll find with the right person,
and i'm so down for it to be right,
so i can't be negative at all.

damn, this is like so much change in my head.
I'm so glad I have the strength to learn rather than breed negative energy over this.

:)

open my chest and stare at my organs

because if i just sink down, just sink into these sheets, i'll rise up
and i'll be new.

I just want to bury myself there, and be happy and content, i don't want a care.
i wish i had a vehicle, i want to care about this distance and this time i want to be scared and i want to whine.
but you made me strong and made me hard-hearted and i just walk alone, independent and guarded, i will never blame or point a finger. what i'm trying to say is so much bigger. i'm not cold i learned to keep myself warm, in these sheets where i mourn.

i get up and i get down i react to what you say but i never frown. i want to miss you and come your way but thats not how you taught me and that's not my way.

i don't see you in grey or in black, youre just white and transparent and i guess i'll never get that back.

i'm so afraid of the day, ive chosen this loneliness and ive chosen it to make my heart shrink, and now that i am swelling over with emotion i don't know how to think. but i wont blame or point a finger because i know my heart is bigger. i keep hiding in bed all day chasing fear away, wasting away the day and letting my clouds go grey.

i've got morals, ive got class. i paid for it by myself, i walked down paths that you'd be ashamed to see me in, you'd run scared back to where you've been. i hate to reveal all this today but it weighs on my mind. a heavy metal statue that will rust my heart if i don't wake up and just take part, take part in my life and in my death and realize that i can't stand and watch it all melt away.

it's wrecked and its a disaster, it makes my mind weak and my heart its own master.

You make me happy.
even if the clock is our biggest enemy.

Conversations with the blackness.

"I never cheated on 'her' or 'her' or 'her'"

"so then why doesn't she trust you?"

"well i didn't cheat on her"

"...what'd you do then?"

"I've been talking to someone else, for over a month now"

"so... isn't that cheating?"

"no, no it's not, i've never even seen her physically, she likes me for who i am, she wants to be with me'

"but so then how is that not cheating... i mean, you were planning on leaving and seeing this girl, right?"

"well, not until we broke up"

"damn. you always have a back up plan don't you? it's kinda fucked up, you know?"

"no, no it's not. It's not cheating unless i see her physically. you don't understand"

agh. man. you stress me out!

you get me super stoked on life,
sometimes i hate Aquarians, were all the same absent minded people,
we just forget that people love us out there and want to hear from us.

then your sister tells me you've gone missing.

I am so scared your mom is going to call me and tell me you're gone.
I don't like to hear you're living on the streets again.

Get home.
your number keeps changing, so call me, I don't even know if you check this still.

We'll wreck our clothes, we'll scrape our knees we'll taste the scabs.

Like twins.
the words that leave your lips are insanely alike.
I'm so damn tempted to just spill the whole story,
let you know I think I've got it all mapped.

It can't be twins. I won't let it be twins.

I call this mature content but immaturely written therapy

See, Ive got it figured out,
while i wasn't looking you opened a hole in the back of my head and you climbed right in. you nested, you hatched eggs. you festered, you spread your legs. you made so many children; playing havoc on my brain. I don't even know this face, i don't feel sane.

when i walk into a room
i take the air out.
everyone suffocates.

I always have to find something.

I just wrote about you.

I couldn't finish it.

Still not ready to address it,
but if your up there or out there,
don't waste your time worrying about me.
I'm making it through this just fine.

I just don't know how to make it stop.

Linda Goodman:

"Odd things happen to Aquarians on the average of once a day or more and the Water Bearers never notice what happens. why should an Aquarian notice close encounters of the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, or one hundred and sixty-sixth kind as unusual in any way? To Aquarius, odd is normal, Normal is odd."

part 2

My skin was a mass hanging from my left hand,
blood still dripping,
as the drops fall they soak into the black earth beneath my feet

Aquiring a new jacket pt 1

Allen Ginsberg and his lover
stood naked outside the window I grew up in
He looked in at me
"Who do you bomb?" he asked.
his lover shook his head at me.

I write the most random things when i continuous write. *sigh*

1:"Can i keep him? I'd like to keep him awhile"

2:"If it's OK with him I don't see why not"

1:"I want to keep him in my pocket and carry him with me everywhere"

2:"Oh, well then, no you can't, he has to be free and run wild"

1:"But...but I like when he's near"

2:"But this isn't a normal flower, he is a wildflower, he's mingled with the air, trees; everything"

1:"What if he never returns?! what if he loses his way??"

2:"He's not a child and he must grow separately"

1:"OK. Fine. I'll take it."

Musical Muse of the moment

I said GOD DAMN, GOD DAMN.

Can't get enough MANMAN, expecially when i have 5 thousand things to do for HW and I'm sick.

doctor gave me a bag of drugs.
and told me to take two a day.
better follow them orders
Or i surely won't outlive today.

Now off to spirit to buy detached body parts so I can photograph them.

This is what my life will be like now, *sigh*

7am wake-up coffee, food.
7:30am Upload forrest pictures
8:30am put away laundry, clean room
9am get ready for work
9:30am leave for work

:(

I hate structure. I always have, but this is how it has to be.
I will find comfort in the stability of my own schedule, at least i hope i will.

bitter-sweet

Oh Time, You failed me once again.
It stings, it truly does.

You like to mess with me don't you?
I'm laughing, Life you are quite an evil being,
and Time the settled pair.

I remember words that still beat me like a drum
Time is the rhythm
and Life the meter.

Off-timing stings like sweet taste on my tongue

Ready. Time is not.

A rare flower, distinct perfume.
Flooding the nose, the nasal cavities sing.
Endless search through a dark abyss,
search for something worthy.
Empty, dark, nothing, Where?
Why can't it be summoned,
why can't the connection be made?

There are cans and string,
We haven't figured out how to communicate,
yet.
Time, let the slow prickling hands of the clock
sting, give patience, give anger, give praise.
Make the time faster.
Irregular beats of seconds, so that the time
ceases to pain me with each day.
So that we can find it at the end,
The search is long. I'm tired.

Not tired enough to quit.

I'm going to drown soon if i don't start holding my own head above water.
:(

Something new to think about: The Power of Now.

When you say Being, are you talking about God? If you are, then why don't you say it?

The word God has become empty of meaning through thousands of years of misuse. I use it sometimes, but i do so sparingly. By misuse, I mean people who have never even glimpsed the realm of the sacred, the infinite vastness behind that word, use it with great conviction, as if they knew what they are talking about. Or they argue against it, as if they knew what it is that they are denying. This misuse gives rise to absurd beliefs, assertions, and egoic delusions, such as 'My or our God is the only true God, and your God is false,' or Nietzche's famous statement 'God is dead.'

Old writings

(I found this written in my notebook from over 3 years ago, and it hit me pretty hard)

I've recently noticed that I have mutated into a person who is constantly inside my head, I'm reading everything around me. I'm reading people; how they want me to interact, their emotions, and intentions. It is by far, my most powerful gift; to read people with such ease.

But I'm afraid in this case ignorance is bliss. Being so introverted about my thought processes and understanding completely how each action i make with one human will counter-act with other actions and emotions i find myself to be way to calculating and sensitive when it comes to dealing with other humans, particularly the ones that are close to me.

I suppose a more simple example is my recent complete acceptance of meeting new people and being at parties where i don't know anyone. Most people become introverted and find themselves following that one person they know around. But i tend to lose them as soon as i walk in the door, completely mingling and creating connections and networking my way through the party. I don't feel threatened by other humans because i feel like in a party situation there's not really anything that you can do wrong. Just play off the crowd and success will come your way. Which leads to the next more depressing part of this very issue. Once someone feels comfortable in talking with strangers because there is that separation of identity, how does one become less calculated and relaxed among those that they have known for much longer?

In the instance of knowing someone, you've got to be careful who you let in. I consider myself a person with very few friends, and many acquaintances. The reason is im picky as hell. The reason I'm picky? well i like to pretend to be a miscalculating and relaxed person about many aspects of my life, when in reality, i take this whole life thing pretty seriously. I want to do some pretty cool stuff with my life and i won't settle for people who are going to keep me from doing all the crazy stuff i plan to do.

I used to have a friend, we ate sandwiches.

A rock sitting on my brain
it feels like the plague
you're just sitting there,
no new news,
there's nothing I've heard,
But there you sit,
on top of my brain,
draining all the blood out

god damn you child.
just go back to where you came from.
Make the paranoia of losing it go away.

you wrote that you weren't worth it on your mirror.
I used to know you like the back of my hand,
but now a days things don't look as familiar.

leave this one alone.
been a few years, lets give it a couple more.

Let this be the exhale from a long and deep breath.

Musical Muse of the moment

Sorrow Drips Into Your Heart
Through A Pinhole
Just Like A Faucet That Leaks
And There Is Comfort In The Sound
But While You Debate
Half Empty Or Half Full
It Slowly Rises Your Love Is Gonna Drown

have you ever stood outside yourself and looked inside yourself?

I need to get out of here.

I can't breath.

-sigh-

I can't care, never have, never will.
you are starring at me like i'm some sort of animal.
like i've let you down.

well, i wish i could say i've let myself down as well, but my standards arent as high.
i like to sit in my feelings, soak, and bathe like i'm in some sort of mine field.
like i'm going to drown and die and become nothing, and just burst.

to burst into nothing would be an amazing feat. i've got to try it someday. oh someday, if you would only come, the day when i'm so numb that i can't feel a damn thing on my body. i want you to stand on my chest until i can't breath, and watch the life leave me. would you do that for me? would you let the air leave my lungs? would you watch me die? would you? do you have the guts to let it happen?

no, i don't even. i don't i can't and i won't.
I won't fail, because you told me i would,
i won't let you stand over me with your great accomplishments
and show me how to be something i'm not.
i can't i won't
I'm a terrible lie.

Night dreamin'

He was sitting across the room, looking haphazardly around, and waving his hand as he talked, "You'll never find someone like me, you know that right?"
I agreed, I knew it.
"You know you'll never find anyone as individual as me, no one who makes you think as much as i do. No one as intelligent."

I agree again, "I get it and I know, but maybe I don't want to think anymore. maybe I'm tired and I feel old and maybe I just want to breath, you've suffocated me."

He looked down into the bottom of the pipe, shifting the cherry around with the butt of his lighter, "You won't like all that air, you have to be challenged and you know it, you change so often, you get bored easily."
I leaned over and grabbed the 40, I threw back the bottle in my mouth, wiped my sleeve across my face.
"You're an asshole."
He laughed, "ho ho, I guess I got you riled up there, didn't I?"

From the window I could see the light getting brighter; he turned toward the window and disappeared in front of my eyes.

...Was i talking to myself again?

Musical Muse of the moment

flat-line breathing, a collapsed lung

an oblivian of existential oblivion
a spokesperson for what matters
an eery infomercial of what to percieve
a trapped box marked 'open'
irrelivant to our minds
an acceptance for only the ignorant
he rivals the rivalry of mind,
of matter, of space, of no space,
yourspace,myspace,theirspace,
the reality we all co-exist in
is fake, not real.
physical matter is for fools?
the pieces of atoms and
air around me is just my illusion
i feel no fear.
i feel no fear.
i feel no fear.

a state of chaos
you've stepped over the chalk outline
into my death.
you've played the superficial
god. you've stepped out of
the mind of the zone
and stepped into uncomfortable
territory. not of your own,
you seek admittance and
acceptance.

denied.

Musical Muse of the moment

It's one of those days...

When I'm in an AMAZING mood.

Yesterday's worries and tears are accepted and i've moved on.
I'm just ready to make some awesome art
and listen to great music...
and maybe...just MAYBE

DANCE???!!!


:)
LOVE.LIFE.LOVE.LIFE.LOVE.LIFE.

Dreaming of light

Maybe dreaming is the only thing that will save me from my own thoughts.

I want to smile like I did in my dream last night.
I want to believe and carry a flag screaming your name,
but I don't believe I could ever stop being so skeptical.
I sing song's about my life, and look into the sun

because in that dream, I've never been so happy,
so content.
My happiest memories have been spent behind the darkness of my own eyelids.

Musical Muse of the moment

Amores Perros

It really bummed me out when I went to get beers with friends from work and they tell me no guy is faithful to their girlfriend. I defended, I argued, I protested, and they told me it's because I'm in a "new relationship."

Fuck that, I'll be damned if that's the excuse that they give me, because I'm 26, and I've had relationships, and I've been cheated on, and I still believe that there's guys out there who are faithful. It's so depressing that women believe that. I still believe in great true love, in marrying your best friend. This isn't the first time that I've been told this in the past few weeks, and its really got me bummed and angry, because it's almost like its an expected act; for a man to cheat on a woman, and that because it's expected it should be forgiven. I seriously don't get it.

I know that I have weak characteristics at times but I hope that if that ever happens to me, I will be strong enough to walk away from it and know that I am worth it.

I guess I'm just old fashioned, but my parents have been together for 30 years and I look up to that, maybe they have had rough patches, but they love each other and they enjoy their time together, now more than ever. That's what i want, and I won't give up on that.

Even if I never get married, I want someone there for me, I guess that's what every human hopes for.

Writing Prompt from my english class

(It's been a LONG time since I've taken an English class, so this is just what came off the top of my head, idk why, but here it is, oh and we had to use the first line "One thing before you go" to start off the exercise)

One thing before you go, I completely agree with you blowing your fiendish brains all over the floor. But, dude, while your wife, children, and grandchildren were in the other room? Not classy at all. Imagine that shit; walking into a room and finding your husband/father/lover/grandpa strewn about the room like discarded trash? I mean I get it, you had to make a statement, even in the end, but I think you might have crossed even your own self pronounced line. Just obscene.



I'm sorry, I guess you wanted to get going, back up to that big wheel in the sky. Go ahead, hit the road. Don't come back. I don't think we need you here anymore Doc, you've done quite enough while you were here, try not to fuck things up there too much, behave yourself like the nice southern gentleman that you are.

Gracias por la paz

I've been asking my mind to hush lately,
and I feel like it's finally taken that big deep breath in.
I realize that there are always going to be things that I see,
hear, even feel, that hurt me; I can't let that get the best of me.

I have to stop looking at life like it's such a task,
because it is in fact here for me to live.

And that intellectual pain, that keeps me pondering,
it's out there; somewhere and I am going to find it.

amor y paz

..."Hush my little time bomb"

I'm being naked for the first time

I've got so much to live for.
I'm sad that i'm not the only apple of your eye,
and that my parents aren't as close to me as i'd like,
I'm mad i never wrote a book about my grandma,
I'm sad that my cousin died before him and i could grow old together and have families together,
I'm sad that i'm usually not strong enough for the people around me,
I'm sad that the people i have always considered close to me only call or talk to me when it's convenient for them, and that i've let those relationships wither.
I'm sad that i still dream of sitting in my grandpa's lap, even though i was only 3, so it's probably a memory i made up in my head.
I'm sad that i can't trust people,
I'm sad that i can't just get over how i look,
I'm sad that i've let boys take advantage of me,
That i never thought i was worth it.
That everytime i look at my photography i get really upset inside that it's not what i wanted.

I get bummed when i feel sad but i can't figure out why.
There are so many reason's for me to be sad, But fuck it, there are so many reason's to be happy. being sad isn't going to be worth it anymore.

I can still fix things with my parents, i can learn to trust them, and talk to them like friends.
I can build new friendships and try to open up and trust again, and if i get hurt, oh well.
There are beautiful people around everywhere, and they are going to always be there, but i have to trust what i have and who i am.
trust my heart and what i have right now is amazing and to feed it with everything i have.
I'm not going to let myself fail again, I want to love myself, i really do, and i am going to try really hard to do that. I want to be my own best friend, because at least i know i'll never let myself down.

I'm standing naked in front of everyone for you to all judge, but that's ok, because no one is perfect.

Musical Muse of the moment

The cautionary tale of a diversionist

garden play, get your hands dirty
your turn to be on top in the pile-up
the crash, melding glass

Actions to keep a mind busy
avoiding the chapters of distress

the same hands that start the new chapter,
end it.

I guess i'm not a little girl anymore

I should probably stop looking at this wall with such contempt
and just get over it.

ok, fine: you win. No more doubts.

I want to get burned by the sun

Detective fodder feeding mouths of the inquiring.
Peering through tainted glass, barely audible images.
questioning each of my windows to see if one will speak.
A shameful attempt to shatter my pride and expose me completely,
No one shall have the last word.

Musical Muse of the moment

Musical Muse of the moment

A calm tornado

Back spinning out of control.
Joints: burning flames.
motor moving forward,
toward total demise.
Each step breaking pavement.
No pressure; a constant climb
trying to find a common thread.
Never turn back the clock,
keep moving, steppin' to the beat.
Don't stop.
Fight this gravity, fight it hard
keeping me down, flat to the ground.
Throw punch 1 and 2,
dip from attack,
Steppin' forward, can't look back.

My mind feels troubled, but i know it's illogical,
slow burn this short fuse, ease the knife out,


...sleep through this paranoia.

A book in which I am a forgotten chapter

You are an epic book novel

and I am going to read you cover to cover,
I'll get paper cuts; your pages with smear with my blood.

The binding will break apart. I'll leave you in the rain;
and dry you on my window seal in the warm spring sun.

Some pages I'll skip some I'll come back to twice.

you'll grow old and fall apart, and I'll laugh as my hands
fail to open your pages.

I know this is a failed message because I'll never be in your book,
but I will always read.

Musical Muse of the moment

so good

I don"t know how many times i've quoted this and no body knows what i'm talking about, *sigh*

Musical Muse of the moment

Is it ok if i want to live inside your mind?

Trains speeding in and out of city tunnels,
Busy movement of dancing appendages,
speaking to the morning dew with anticipation
Texture and shape a constant evolution of movement,
sorting through the heat.
It's a fictitious business name or sometimes
its blunt and we'll all listen for the escalated
queen of hearts to emerge from the deck.
Ripened fruit is blended, how sweet does it taste?

Too vulgar? It's merely human interaction,
and that is quite natural.

Because sometimes 2005 seems like a dream

"What does it feel like when you inject it in your arm?"

You gazed downward just beneath the brim of your hat, feathering the pages of my Plath book between your torn fingers. There was enough time in the silence to come up with a thousand different stories, the gap in your front teeth was visible as you pondered. And in your low awkward voice you told me about heroin; quite possibly more than I wanted to know. Then, reaching in your pocket, the shiny crumbled foil ball containing your weakness emerged, only for a moment because I turned my head.

"You know; my writing changes" as you held it up, I could see it gleaming in my peripheral vision. We locked eyes, I could tell you were attempting to peak my interest. I broke from your gaze and looked out the door. It was 4AM. I got up and walked out of the corridor and down the stairwell. The plants at night smelled sweet. I picked enough Ginko Biloba leaves for both of us even though i knew i was already alone.

Your high-top converse carried you out the door. All that was left were your words, which I've stopped reading years ago. (That's only half true)

The romanticism of running into you again one day plays in my mind like a worn drum, by this time trying to extract wisdom from you would be a silly move.

You're so fucking smart.

A few days later a letter came, you wrote that you wished you had written something that I wrote and gave me such praise and I fell down in my seat, I smiled. I guess it wouldn't have ever worked, us being friends, and it never will.

I kind of wonder if X is still alive, but then again; he never believed in death in the first place.

Burning Papers

This was written on a folded yellow piece of tablet paper:

A void communication device
silence triggers emotion
microscope examination
death shortly thereafter.
Alien invasion: unwelcome
biopsy report revealed
35mm lens: shutter stuck
film advance broken
photo neg splice
segregated frames.
c-41 break up

post scene manual development
stop bath bitterness
fixer establishes final demise

I wrote that in 2006...
So where has my style gone from then? how has it changed?
I've been doing some writing, we'll see how much it's changed since then,
so ready to get back in the game. My pen feels like a foreign object, and i love that feeling.

You're a mountain I wish to climb.
I'm black and white, You're color.
I can see the contrast, the depth...
A long road.
We both want to touch each other's bodies,
like some sort of curious masturbation
A tendency to walk in opposite directions.

you're heading away; soon it will be time to fly.
you're heading into the darkened horizon,
drinking hard liquor, and piercing your skin with ink.
beautiful pictures across the skin's landscape,
touching each line and soaking in the colors.
Trying to grasp each hue, an odd feeling as it enters the eye.
It quietly tells me that there is not a chance in hell,

"In who's hell?" I say out loud to myself while I push it into 4th,
I've gone a little mad again, pissed actually.
pissing drunk, far too many times, standing at the alter of regret,
and asking questions that paranoia keeps transcribing to me,
She's a fucking quack that paranoia, makes the brain turn to mush.

A Carnival glows

Songs that haunt, the actions that breath.

red-light signals, chopping lights
Skin? The white elephant in the room.

Are you going to give it a try?
Standardized testing; smoke signals from afar.
The path looks well-played, dusty, frames within frames.
The doorway, the window, the crooked parts of the body fitting like puzzle pieces
"Its just a game," the song's lyrics take a turn.

Colors mean something, as the pen slips off the page.
The scribbles become a mess, the words no longer legible.

two boxers in the ring, the body takes ringside.
heart and brain duke it out over the irrelevant emotions.

She takes off her hat and recites the front page news, with no confirmed sources.
She's got a muse, and he knows it.

He's the source, and he isn't talking.

This game will continue: a carousel.
simple, childlike, turning and turning,
but it's still beautiful; even if it doesn't take us anywhere.

A friend is a friend indeed

You opened like a flower,
your seeds bear, leaves outstretched to the sun.
Naked and exposed you shiver afraid of the burn
Resolution begins to take pace, setting sun, the time has come
take what you've learned, your fears, the hurt of these years.

organize them in a suitcase, and clasp it closed.
Take your dreams and let them be exposed.
you are wise, my old chap
you know what road you must travel
so take all your things and put on your cap

walk down the road, into the future that may be,
and stop looking back,
because you will always find me.