Old writings

(I found this written in my notebook from over 3 years ago, and it hit me pretty hard)

I've recently noticed that I have mutated into a person who is constantly inside my head, I'm reading everything around me. I'm reading people; how they want me to interact, their emotions, and intentions. It is by far, my most powerful gift; to read people with such ease.

But I'm afraid in this case ignorance is bliss. Being so introverted about my thought processes and understanding completely how each action i make with one human will counter-act with other actions and emotions i find myself to be way to calculating and sensitive when it comes to dealing with other humans, particularly the ones that are close to me.

I suppose a more simple example is my recent complete acceptance of meeting new people and being at parties where i don't know anyone. Most people become introverted and find themselves following that one person they know around. But i tend to lose them as soon as i walk in the door, completely mingling and creating connections and networking my way through the party. I don't feel threatened by other humans because i feel like in a party situation there's not really anything that you can do wrong. Just play off the crowd and success will come your way. Which leads to the next more depressing part of this very issue. Once someone feels comfortable in talking with strangers because there is that separation of identity, how does one become less calculated and relaxed among those that they have known for much longer?

In the instance of knowing someone, you've got to be careful who you let in. I consider myself a person with very few friends, and many acquaintances. The reason is im picky as hell. The reason I'm picky? well i like to pretend to be a miscalculating and relaxed person about many aspects of my life, when in reality, i take this whole life thing pretty seriously. I want to do some pretty cool stuff with my life and i won't settle for people who are going to keep me from doing all the crazy stuff i plan to do.