Man. I need to learn to let my emotions out.

I keep telling myself everything is all good then boom! All the emotions burst into a very unattractive burst of crying and shaking and general ugliness.

Then I'm on the phone with 20 different people crying my eyes out,
What was most amazing? They all told me they'd be here tomorrow to help me,
Woah. I have amazing friends, something to be thankful for.

Well, that started out negative and ended on a positive note. I am thankful for what i got, and i miss what i don't have anymore, but i can't dwell in that past.

Silly Life you thought you knocked me off my horse, didn't you?

too much crap going on.

FINALS FINALS FINALS

Yuma in a couple weeks, i hope. this being homeless thing might mess that up

Redding to see my other mother

Death Valley with Vano for school

and backpack in Europe in the summer.

and school. and work. i might be going through some chaos, but my life could be so much worse, i'm so happy i have what i got.

i need to make a list before i forget....
well i guess i just did make a list.

some stuff isn't that simple.

"what happened in those three years"

:open relationships

"what's shameful about just going back to that?"

:nothing

"well, then I suppose we answered that question"

how my teacher talks to me

V: you've been to death valley before right?

P: yea, earlier this year

V: you camp or stay in lodging?

P:camp

V: you musta camped at the campgrounds right over...

P:no, we just camped on the ground somewhere off the road

V: WOAH bro-core pam, thats fuckin' NASTY dirty.

I have gotten rusty

singing and reading sheet music and moving my fingers
is 3 times too many things at once.
i'm gonna be better than i ever was, just gotta keep at it.

It is said that the ancient Egyptians, upon death, were asked two questions before entering heaven:

Did you have joy while you were on earth?

Did you bring joy to others?





What would your answers be?

Bags are all packed, and still no place to go.
Roadtrip is planned for middle of the month, right before Christmas.

Life don't let me down

Q:"who do you write all this for?"

A:"nobody....myself"

This was a list i made in 2009...Its definitely something i need to re-visit, I'll keep these in mind.



1st. Be open and honest, you've got nothing to hide.

2nd. Don't count your eggs before they've hatched.

3rd. Expect less and you won't be disappointed.

4th. Don't let the little things get to you.

5th. Act like a child when you need too.

It's getting cold, so cold.
I want something to warm me up.

http://thelightfighter.tumblr.com/


he says it's going to get Vulgar.
I can't wait to read what he does on the greyhound...
more importantly at the stops when he's off the bus.

:)

voices feel like daggers.

"That's one thing i've always disliked about you, you're too fucking emotional. You feel everything. more sensitive then me, and that's saying alot. Fuck. haven't i taught you anything? we've gone over and over and over this."

:i did change.

"no, you're still just as weak as the day i met you. I'm not friends with weak people, i won't put up with that. you know that. i will only waste my time with the elite. you have to be fucking elite."

:Im strong, just in a different way. I keep all this inside, i deal with it all alone.

"no you don't, you vomit all over me with it.

:so. ...no one knows me.

"fuck. let some other people in once in awhile, they might find it warm like i do."

:point taken.

10/18/2010

Fuck, I'm tired of this bullshit.

You caused all of this shit in my head,
and now i want you to fix it.
You fiend, you dirty swine, shit on the bottom of my shoe.

Impatient. Brutal. Coarse. Thug. Morose. Vulture.
SWINE.SWINE.SWINE

If i called you and said this to your face, you'd laugh.
Then you'd ask how my day was.
We'd brew some tea, and eat fucking crumpets.

I still can't change this behavior.
I've become a product of my own self-loathing.
And then perfected it through your insane arguments.
and now when i want to be someone else, i can't
I want to kill this feeling and make it die.

will you help me?

So my fine art project is something i am really really feeling right now.

I feel like its my baby.
its all about my dream to find new skin...
you can look back on "Acquiring a new jacket" pt 1 and 2
so the end of the dream was majorly affected by recent events in my life;
leaving me disappointed that it didn't have an ending i was expecting my
mind to come up with. but I've always been really bad with finishing things,
or "ends" of things, so it seems appropriate and completely me.

Also, i want to keep completely true to my dream.

I had the "end" of my dream last night.

it went something like this:

Pt 3

She was a lonely figure,
walking in a mass of trees,
the black ground below her.
She was intent on searching and looking,
but she was also sad.

She was alone, completely alone.
The wind was cold,
and her muscles began to operate less smoothly.
she was stuck.

she stood looking around,
when from the sky she heard a great noise.
Upon looking up, she saw her skin hanging from a branch,
just out of reach.

She kept reaching, but she couldn't grab it,
A forbidden fruit she'd have to work to get.

She climbed the trunk,
reached out on the limb
and knocked her skin off and to the ground.

On the forest floor, she grabbed the skin.
upon looking at it, it was beautiful,
warm and she couldn't wait to get inside it.

She began to slip her legs inside the skin coat.
It began to feel tight, and in one area it ripped.
Frantic, she began trying to shove herself inside it
trying to make it fit her.

It wouldn't go on.
It didn't fit.

It looked so beautiful,
the colors and tones were right,
but she couldn't fit, even the warmth escaped her.

A lump on the floor of the forest,
tears streamed from her eyes,
she was not right for this skin.
she did not fit it.
she was cold, she wanted to be warm.
she wanted to return to her old self,
she wanted to find her skin.
she wanted to be strong.
but this time she just cried, and cried hard.

Her new skin wasn't ready for her,
she couldn't have that new skin until she changed.

maybe she didn't need skin at all?
She laid on the forest floor.
a familiar friend came by her side,
he motioned for her to look at his skin.
She had remembered, she had fixed his skin long ago, in another dream

He grabbed dark earth from the ground around her and began to dig deep around her and cover her, until the dirt covered her completely.
She became a part of the earth, she found her new place in the earth.
It wasn't very comfortable.
It was awkward; but she was stuck.
stuck to this new place.

You're a piece of shit.
no respect. none at all.

stop this madness

I dreamed that my new skin was given to me
and it didn't fit.

man. What a horrible feeling.
:(

I had fallen asleep on your floor after working the 12-9 shift

You were sitting with a guitar pressed between your chest and legs,
Just strumming lightly, playing no particular tune.
There was someone in the room too, a friend.
I had awoken a few minutes earlier, but pretended to still be asleep.
The friend mentioned something about my sleeping,
and you said, "She works so hard, she has so much she's doing"

I remember that for some reason, because I'm not sure if you knew I was awake,
or if you were speaking genuinely, but I like to believe you were speaking genuinely.
I remember the oddest things, It was so long ago. 6 years now?

It felt like it was my first and only time that I was able to listen to a conversation about me when I wasn't around.
The social interaction of speaking about me when you thought I was asleep.
Maybe I needed to hear that I worked hard.

There are very few memories of those years,
mostly because I've been swallowed whole by my absent-mind.
but i'm glad that there a few fond ones left.

I feel like all the bluntness was karma.

This is the first time that I feel content,
like i wasn't treated badly, and I even told you, you were awesome,
so what is there to be upset about?

Love is something i'll find with the right person,
and i'm so down for it to be right,
so i can't be negative at all.

damn, this is like so much change in my head.
I'm so glad I have the strength to learn rather than breed negative energy over this.

:)

open my chest and stare at my organs

because if i just sink down, just sink into these sheets, i'll rise up
and i'll be new.

I just want to bury myself there, and be happy and content, i don't want a care.
i wish i had a vehicle, i want to care about this distance and this time i want to be scared and i want to whine.
but you made me strong and made me hard-hearted and i just walk alone, independent and guarded, i will never blame or point a finger. what i'm trying to say is so much bigger. i'm not cold i learned to keep myself warm, in these sheets where i mourn.

i get up and i get down i react to what you say but i never frown. i want to miss you and come your way but thats not how you taught me and that's not my way.

i don't see you in grey or in black, youre just white and transparent and i guess i'll never get that back.

i'm so afraid of the day, ive chosen this loneliness and ive chosen it to make my heart shrink, and now that i am swelling over with emotion i don't know how to think. but i wont blame or point a finger because i know my heart is bigger. i keep hiding in bed all day chasing fear away, wasting away the day and letting my clouds go grey.

i've got morals, ive got class. i paid for it by myself, i walked down paths that you'd be ashamed to see me in, you'd run scared back to where you've been. i hate to reveal all this today but it weighs on my mind. a heavy metal statue that will rust my heart if i don't wake up and just take part, take part in my life and in my death and realize that i can't stand and watch it all melt away.

it's wrecked and its a disaster, it makes my mind weak and my heart its own master.

You make me happy.
even if the clock is our biggest enemy.

Conversations with the blackness.

"I never cheated on 'her' or 'her' or 'her'"

"so then why doesn't she trust you?"

"well i didn't cheat on her"

"...what'd you do then?"

"I've been talking to someone else, for over a month now"

"so... isn't that cheating?"

"no, no it's not, i've never even seen her physically, she likes me for who i am, she wants to be with me'

"but so then how is that not cheating... i mean, you were planning on leaving and seeing this girl, right?"

"well, not until we broke up"

"damn. you always have a back up plan don't you? it's kinda fucked up, you know?"

"no, no it's not. It's not cheating unless i see her physically. you don't understand"

agh. man. you stress me out!

you get me super stoked on life,
sometimes i hate Aquarians, were all the same absent minded people,
we just forget that people love us out there and want to hear from us.

then your sister tells me you've gone missing.

I am so scared your mom is going to call me and tell me you're gone.
I don't like to hear you're living on the streets again.

Get home.
your number keeps changing, so call me, I don't even know if you check this still.

We'll wreck our clothes, we'll scrape our knees we'll taste the scabs.

Like twins.
the words that leave your lips are insanely alike.
I'm so damn tempted to just spill the whole story,
let you know I think I've got it all mapped.

It can't be twins. I won't let it be twins.

I call this mature content but immaturely written therapy

See, Ive got it figured out,
while i wasn't looking you opened a hole in the back of my head and you climbed right in. you nested, you hatched eggs. you festered, you spread your legs. you made so many children; playing havoc on my brain. I don't even know this face, i don't feel sane.

when i walk into a room
i take the air out.
everyone suffocates.