life

On the outside I'm seeing my future setup for me, but on the inside I'm still just a kid, and I feel like I've got to get that out. Let's play just a little longer.

Fuck
Fuuuuuck
:(

I asked if I could keep you,
You said no,
I have to let you go.

The power of the unknown is horrible sometimes.

:(
Sigh

thinking too hard about what could have been or what might be, can make my head explode. sleep, sleep is what i need.

love lust induced high.
Ive inhaled too much.
my mind sits with the caterpillar at the top.
I'm dying.

I'm dying because my skin is just ITCHING to be touched.
The need is so prevalent. What i'd do behind closed doors goes unsaid.
take it away, make out. send it to a far place and let it die.

blue blue blue.

wait for the time when it explodes, slow slow slow. slow down.

bite it all off, take it out and spit. give the notes more to play with.
take yourself out to lunch, make a meal out of it.
common? you've got more than that. don't you?

you aren't a fucking idiot. you've got it mapped out, the moves are within your own mind, you've known all along how to make it happen. just go for it.

get the gold.

It's good to know you are still reading.

I always knew you'd keep an eye on me

:)


but return my phone call please.

why don't i write about what makes me most happy?

Im scared at how amazing this is and how quickly it is evolving.

I love you more than my own blood. How did I get this lucky?

A missed phone call from your number.

i threw up.

then i called back and you didn't answer. what a disappointment.

How genuine are people in our lives?

I guess this question comes because someone who i once considered a loyal dog has now become a prickly cactus in my feet.

did they reveal all of these things in their heart to me to get me to side with them, to get me to like them and take advantage of me then to only throw me away in the waste basket??

its a weird feeling when you've been burned by someone and because you don't forgive them right away, they just burn you even more. as if they had any right? as if they didn't realize that they needed to give more time for me to heal.

alright then. fuck you and your name, when you are mentioned in a room i will valiantly reveal my disgust for your very being without feeling any sadness in my heart.

even though it bleeds at your thought.

PRICK.

made it for real last night, so im scared but thats part of it. :)

lonely.

have you ever felt like you were being forced to do something, and you didnt want to do it and you openly say you don't want to do it and everyone is like, well, oh well, and then they try to make you do it anyway?

LAME.

I kinda wanna punch someone in the face.


who wants a knuckle sandwich?

I dreamed

last night i dreamed that i was in a bowling alley.
just like our date last night,
and i threw the ball, but my fingers got stuck, and i flew down the lane with the ball. I tried to stop, keep from hitting the pins, but i was going way too fast.
I crashed into those pins and flew through the back and down into water.

I hit the water and kept gasping for air, trying to stay above the water.
but i was being pulled down under the water... i looked down and there you were, holding my legs, pulling me under the water with you. I kept drowning under the water, going deeper and deeper.

I was scared, really scared, you looked content, like we were supposed to drown.

soon my body just gave in and as we sank i just let it happen.

I'm letting this happen, even though i'm still really scared.

I woke up this morning and rolled over, you were laying there like you've been, reaching over and grabbing my neck, pulling me in, and i just gave in.

"I've never done that before"

:then why are you so fucking good at it?

"I don't know, I was guessing the whole time"

:shit... You guessed right.

I always knew what i truly wanted.
Maybe this blank page is exactly what i need.
I'm going to write this story exactly as i want it, make it my own. Believe the beat, timing, my jargon.
Throwing away "hella" cause it sounds hella dumb.
You know i loved you.

wait, wait, wait, the time got fucked, (i should probably stop swearing),
These beats and meters, standing at the top of the hour, just waiting for it to go down, down until the night seems far too long to say anything.

in the haze of what we really feel, in the haze of feeling too high, i get this vision.

it's stale. it stands stiff like an erection, wanting to rise above the sky, and beat it all. It's not really ready to cum, but maybe it will soon.

It's just so fucking early, the morning hour has barely passed, i need time, for ticks, more tocks. please let this pass by, let it fail on my doorstep, let it just bleed out. let it be. let it be.

"I've been wanting to learn to skateboard, it just hasn't happened yet"

:oh yea? what's been stopping you?

"i don't have a board"

:i can put one together for you, i've got enough stuff laying around

"really?"

:yea, i've got a deck for sure, and wheels, not sure about trucks, but i can get 'em easy.

"wow, i'm pretty excited"

"You don't know how to be vulgar"

...

Masturbation hasn't gotten old yet. but i never think of you when i do it.

but when i'm holding someone else's warm flesh between my breast and arms i think of you. but, this flesh i've been holding, has gotten warm and its becoming comfortable, and maybe, just maybe.... well, now i'm just wishing...

i'm not angry.

i never thought that there are some people out there who just arent good enough for me. to hold them accountable to earn ME.

I remember growing up, just wanting everyone to like me, feeling so awkward, being made fun of everyday at school. The boys singing songs about me, all circled around.

I don't need everyone. i don't need to make everyone like me.
but why can't i be comfortable with that?

why does it bother me if i don't make an impact.


so to those of you who have fucked me over. fuck you. i'm done trying to make two ends meet. and i don't fucking care if you don't like me, or you have a problem with me. Ive got amazing people in my life, and i don't need you.

and to those who have treated me well, who've been honest, who've showed me new things, gave me advice, thank you. and i will gladly continue to earn you, and keep you in my life for that reason.