have you ever felt like you were being forced to do something, and you didnt want to do it and you openly say you don't want to do it and everyone is like, well, oh well, and then they try to make you do it anyway?

LAME.

I kinda wanna punch someone in the face.


who wants a knuckle sandwich?

I dreamed

last night i dreamed that i was in a bowling alley.
just like our date last night,
and i threw the ball, but my fingers got stuck, and i flew down the lane with the ball. I tried to stop, keep from hitting the pins, but i was going way too fast.
I crashed into those pins and flew through the back and down into water.

I hit the water and kept gasping for air, trying to stay above the water.
but i was being pulled down under the water... i looked down and there you were, holding my legs, pulling me under the water with you. I kept drowning under the water, going deeper and deeper.

I was scared, really scared, you looked content, like we were supposed to drown.

soon my body just gave in and as we sank i just let it happen.

I'm letting this happen, even though i'm still really scared.

I woke up this morning and rolled over, you were laying there like you've been, reaching over and grabbing my neck, pulling me in, and i just gave in.

"I've never done that before"

:then why are you so fucking good at it?

"I don't know, I was guessing the whole time"

:shit... You guessed right.

I always knew what i truly wanted.
Maybe this blank page is exactly what i need.
I'm going to write this story exactly as i want it, make it my own. Believe the beat, timing, my jargon.
Throwing away "hella" cause it sounds hella dumb.
You know i loved you.

wait, wait, wait, the time got fucked, (i should probably stop swearing),
These beats and meters, standing at the top of the hour, just waiting for it to go down, down until the night seems far too long to say anything.

in the haze of what we really feel, in the haze of feeling too high, i get this vision.

it's stale. it stands stiff like an erection, wanting to rise above the sky, and beat it all. It's not really ready to cum, but maybe it will soon.

It's just so fucking early, the morning hour has barely passed, i need time, for ticks, more tocks. please let this pass by, let it fail on my doorstep, let it just bleed out. let it be. let it be.

"I've been wanting to learn to skateboard, it just hasn't happened yet"

:oh yea? what's been stopping you?

"i don't have a board"

:i can put one together for you, i've got enough stuff laying around

"really?"

:yea, i've got a deck for sure, and wheels, not sure about trucks, but i can get 'em easy.

"wow, i'm pretty excited"

"You don't know how to be vulgar"

...

Masturbation hasn't gotten old yet. but i never think of you when i do it.

but when i'm holding someone else's warm flesh between my breast and arms i think of you. but, this flesh i've been holding, has gotten warm and its becoming comfortable, and maybe, just maybe.... well, now i'm just wishing...

i'm not angry.

i never thought that there are some people out there who just arent good enough for me. to hold them accountable to earn ME.

I remember growing up, just wanting everyone to like me, feeling so awkward, being made fun of everyday at school. The boys singing songs about me, all circled around.

I don't need everyone. i don't need to make everyone like me.
but why can't i be comfortable with that?

why does it bother me if i don't make an impact.


so to those of you who have fucked me over. fuck you. i'm done trying to make two ends meet. and i don't fucking care if you don't like me, or you have a problem with me. Ive got amazing people in my life, and i don't need you.

and to those who have treated me well, who've been honest, who've showed me new things, gave me advice, thank you. and i will gladly continue to earn you, and keep you in my life for that reason.