I always have to find something.

I just wrote about you.

I couldn't finish it.

Still not ready to address it,
but if your up there or out there,
don't waste your time worrying about me.
I'm making it through this just fine.

I just don't know how to make it stop.

Linda Goodman:

"Odd things happen to Aquarians on the average of once a day or more and the Water Bearers never notice what happens. why should an Aquarian notice close encounters of the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, or one hundred and sixty-sixth kind as unusual in any way? To Aquarius, odd is normal, Normal is odd."

part 2

My skin was a mass hanging from my left hand,
blood still dripping,
as the drops fall they soak into the black earth beneath my feet

Aquiring a new jacket pt 1

Allen Ginsberg and his lover
stood naked outside the window I grew up in
He looked in at me
"Who do you bomb?" he asked.
his lover shook his head at me.

I write the most random things when i continuous write. *sigh*

1:"Can i keep him? I'd like to keep him awhile"

2:"If it's OK with him I don't see why not"

1:"I want to keep him in my pocket and carry him with me everywhere"

2:"Oh, well then, no you can't, he has to be free and run wild"

1:"But...but I like when he's near"

2:"But this isn't a normal flower, he is a wildflower, he's mingled with the air, trees; everything"

1:"What if he never returns?! what if he loses his way??"

2:"He's not a child and he must grow separately"

1:"OK. Fine. I'll take it."

Musical Muse of the moment

I said GOD DAMN, GOD DAMN.

Can't get enough MANMAN, expecially when i have 5 thousand things to do for HW and I'm sick.

doctor gave me a bag of drugs.
and told me to take two a day.
better follow them orders
Or i surely won't outlive today.

Now off to spirit to buy detached body parts so I can photograph them.

This is what my life will be like now, *sigh*

7am wake-up coffee, food.
7:30am Upload forrest pictures
8:30am put away laundry, clean room
9am get ready for work
9:30am leave for work

:(

I hate structure. I always have, but this is how it has to be.
I will find comfort in the stability of my own schedule, at least i hope i will.

bitter-sweet

Oh Time, You failed me once again.
It stings, it truly does.

You like to mess with me don't you?
I'm laughing, Life you are quite an evil being,
and Time the settled pair.

I remember words that still beat me like a drum
Time is the rhythm
and Life the meter.

Off-timing stings like sweet taste on my tongue

Ready. Time is not.

A rare flower, distinct perfume.
Flooding the nose, the nasal cavities sing.
Endless search through a dark abyss,
search for something worthy.
Empty, dark, nothing, Where?
Why can't it be summoned,
why can't the connection be made?

There are cans and string,
We haven't figured out how to communicate,
yet.
Time, let the slow prickling hands of the clock
sting, give patience, give anger, give praise.
Make the time faster.
Irregular beats of seconds, so that the time
ceases to pain me with each day.
So that we can find it at the end,
The search is long. I'm tired.

Not tired enough to quit.

I'm going to drown soon if i don't start holding my own head above water.
:(

Something new to think about: The Power of Now.

When you say Being, are you talking about God? If you are, then why don't you say it?

The word God has become empty of meaning through thousands of years of misuse. I use it sometimes, but i do so sparingly. By misuse, I mean people who have never even glimpsed the realm of the sacred, the infinite vastness behind that word, use it with great conviction, as if they knew what they are talking about. Or they argue against it, as if they knew what it is that they are denying. This misuse gives rise to absurd beliefs, assertions, and egoic delusions, such as 'My or our God is the only true God, and your God is false,' or Nietzche's famous statement 'God is dead.'

Old writings

(I found this written in my notebook from over 3 years ago, and it hit me pretty hard)

I've recently noticed that I have mutated into a person who is constantly inside my head, I'm reading everything around me. I'm reading people; how they want me to interact, their emotions, and intentions. It is by far, my most powerful gift; to read people with such ease.

But I'm afraid in this case ignorance is bliss. Being so introverted about my thought processes and understanding completely how each action i make with one human will counter-act with other actions and emotions i find myself to be way to calculating and sensitive when it comes to dealing with other humans, particularly the ones that are close to me.

I suppose a more simple example is my recent complete acceptance of meeting new people and being at parties where i don't know anyone. Most people become introverted and find themselves following that one person they know around. But i tend to lose them as soon as i walk in the door, completely mingling and creating connections and networking my way through the party. I don't feel threatened by other humans because i feel like in a party situation there's not really anything that you can do wrong. Just play off the crowd and success will come your way. Which leads to the next more depressing part of this very issue. Once someone feels comfortable in talking with strangers because there is that separation of identity, how does one become less calculated and relaxed among those that they have known for much longer?

In the instance of knowing someone, you've got to be careful who you let in. I consider myself a person with very few friends, and many acquaintances. The reason is im picky as hell. The reason I'm picky? well i like to pretend to be a miscalculating and relaxed person about many aspects of my life, when in reality, i take this whole life thing pretty seriously. I want to do some pretty cool stuff with my life and i won't settle for people who are going to keep me from doing all the crazy stuff i plan to do.

I used to have a friend, we ate sandwiches.

A rock sitting on my brain
it feels like the plague
you're just sitting there,
no new news,
there's nothing I've heard,
But there you sit,
on top of my brain,
draining all the blood out

god damn you child.
just go back to where you came from.
Make the paranoia of losing it go away.

you wrote that you weren't worth it on your mirror.
I used to know you like the back of my hand,
but now a days things don't look as familiar.

leave this one alone.
been a few years, lets give it a couple more.

Let this be the exhale from a long and deep breath.

Musical Muse of the moment

Sorrow Drips Into Your Heart
Through A Pinhole
Just Like A Faucet That Leaks
And There Is Comfort In The Sound
But While You Debate
Half Empty Or Half Full
It Slowly Rises Your Love Is Gonna Drown

have you ever stood outside yourself and looked inside yourself?

I need to get out of here.

I can't breath.

-sigh-

I can't care, never have, never will.
you are starring at me like i'm some sort of animal.
like i've let you down.

well, i wish i could say i've let myself down as well, but my standards arent as high.
i like to sit in my feelings, soak, and bathe like i'm in some sort of mine field.
like i'm going to drown and die and become nothing, and just burst.

to burst into nothing would be an amazing feat. i've got to try it someday. oh someday, if you would only come, the day when i'm so numb that i can't feel a damn thing on my body. i want you to stand on my chest until i can't breath, and watch the life leave me. would you do that for me? would you let the air leave my lungs? would you watch me die? would you? do you have the guts to let it happen?

no, i don't even. i don't i can't and i won't.
I won't fail, because you told me i would,
i won't let you stand over me with your great accomplishments
and show me how to be something i'm not.
i can't i won't
I'm a terrible lie.